The Zone of Acceptability

To practice psychological flexibility and heal perfectionism, embrace the range of possibilities between failure and flawless.

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Listen, I know as much as anyone what you’re supposed to do when you can’t sleep. But you know what’s way easier than box-breathing? 

Replaying every interaction of the day, counting the ways you fell short of your expectations.

Late at night, like an apple tree in autumn, my failures burst out of every mental branch, right there for the picking – or just drop with a plop at my feet. It’s heaps less effortful than muscling through controlled breathing. 

Over here is that thing I definitely shouldn’t have said. Over there is the offer for help I should have made but didn’t think of in time. Down here, rotting away unplucked, you can see the potentially day-changing compliment I felt too shy to say. 

When I notice these sub-optimal moments late at night, with my self-control unhelpfully snoozing before me, all-or-nothing thinking takes over. I wasn’t perfect, so I was awful. I can see it: A bright line dividing two categories. 

But that thought is only partially correct. It’s true (of course it’s true): I wasn’t perfect. But not-perfect isn’t the same as unacceptable. Those aren’t the only two options. 

Perfect and unacceptable are extremes, representing the far ends of a range. 

The Zone of Acceptability

The range can be thought of as the Zone of Acceptability (aka Zone of Acceptance or Zone of Tolerance). The Zone of Acceptability is a term of art imported from medicine, law, and other domains. 

The Zone of Acceptability refers to the slew of options between ideal and untenable. If you’re in the Zone of Acceptability, you can rest easy and stop beating yourself up. While it’s tempting to fix your eyes on what could be even better, the truth is every option in that zone is “adequate,” to draw on the Merriam-Webster definition of acceptability.

Focusing on what’s objectively adequate or acceptable instead of holding yourself to unattainably high standards can be a way to practice psychological flexibility. Doing so can reduce the accompanying emotional distress of failing to meet your own sky-high expectations. Research on using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) as an intervention for perfectionism suggests it’s helpful. Crucially, one of the main ways psychologists think ACT works is through encouraging psychological flexibility, just like the Zone of Acceptability does. When you practice psychological flexibility, it’s easier to be responsive to the world as it is. 

Acceptability at Work

For instance, while writing an assignment for a publication, I often see many ways to frame a story or a sentence. While this skill is valuable, it can be overwhelming. 

Sometimes, when I’m writing, I get stuck futzing around trying to figure out the best way to say something. I can feel trapped in endless tweaking because I’m able to make a convincing argument for each iteration. 

But I feel freer when I realize that all that wordsmithing seems so close because I’m actually weighing alternative pathways, and there’s not a superior one to suss out. The choices feel equivalent because they all lay in the Zone of Acceptability. 

When I realize I’m in the Zone of Acceptability at work, I am released. I get unstuck, my stress goes down, and I can move on.

Acceptability at Home

The Zone of Acceptability helps me find peace at home, too.

This Mother’s Day, for example, my oldest son gave me a fill-in-the-blank newspaper he had made. Per the May edition of the Mother’s Day Press headline, I’m the World’s Greatest Mom. Chief among my good traits, according to my son, is kindness. 

My third-grader was so proud, but, at first, I had trouble connecting with the thoughtfulness behind his sweet gift. Immediately, I felt my cheeks flush with shame. World’s greatest? Kind? My mind flashed to the many moments I hadn’t gone out of my way for my three children.

Them: I’m thirsty. 

Me: Ok. You can get yourself some water.

Or how about:

Them: Will you read me this book? 

Me: Not right now. I need a mouth break. Maybe later.

I can tick off a long list of times when I wasn’t as generous or considerate as I could have been with my kids. But, when I remember the Zone of Acceptability, I can recognize that failure to be maximally kind doesn’t mean I’m not kind at all. 

Even within these examples, which still aren’t my proudest as a parent, there are flavors of kindness. It can be kind to encourage developmentally appropriate independence or to voice a boundary. As much as my brain veers toward binaries, the options aren’t really kind and unkind. They’re actually more akin to exceedingly kind, kind enough, and unkind. 

The Zone of Acceptability helps me gain perspective, affirming that imperfect kindness is not cruelty and helping me feel connected instead of cut off in my relationships. 

Between Failure and Flawless

When you notice that you’re falling short of your ideal, don’t despair. Stop ladening your arms with the poisoned fruit of your perceived failures.

Take a look around. Shift your perspective. You might find that the Zone of Acceptability is right there too, like a lush tree, ready to offer refuge.

Welcome. There’s plenty of room for you here. 

What you’re doing is good enough.

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My Latest Work

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Book Recommendations

I first read Cassandra at the Wedding by Dorothy Baker 62 years after it was originally published, but everything about this novel felt fresh and bright. We meet our protagonist, Cassandra, en route to her twin’s wedding at their family ranch. Right away we feel Cassandra’s brilliance, charisma — and how something seems a bit off. Another stellar staff recommendation from Apostle Island Booksellers in Bayfield, Wisconsin. (You can order online from Apostle Island Booksellers or buy on Bookshop and Amazon)

There’s something profoundly refreshing about The Missing Peace: Rewire Your Brain, Reduce Anxiety, and Recreate Your Life by licensed therapist Laura Rhodes-Levin, LMFT. It could be Rhodes-Levin’s Gen X sensibility or her propensity for honesty and self-disclosure. Whatever it is, her book is animated by a willingness to be real about exactly what has helped her and her clients successfully manage anxiety. For the spiritual and woo averse, be warned, there is talk of quantum fields. But even for someone who is more science-y, I found that the mix of these elements instructive. This book, out new this month, can help you build a user manual for anxiety-reduction with instructions dog-eared from those who’ve successfully made their way before you. (Buy on Bookshop and Amazon)

*Thank you to Smith Publicity for the advance copy. See my disclosure statement for my policy on accepting books for review.

Periodically during my almost 9 years of parenting, I will get it into my head that one or more of my three children really need to work on this or that emotional regulation skill. Perhaps it doesn’t surprise you that this insight is followed closely by a Google search or trip to the library or local bookstore for advice on the perfect book to accompany this new growth goal. Chilla Gorilla & Lanky Lemur: Journey to the Heart (Written by Kimberly Snyder and Jon Bier, illustrated by Donald Wu) is absolutely this kind of book. Its target is to teach how one rambunctious lemur learns to find calm during the ups and downs of his day. Books with clear messages like this can slant toward being a snooze, but my 6- and 8-year-olds snuggled in contentedly when I read it to them. My kindergartener said he liked that the lemur always wanted to play just like him. My third grader liked how the lemur understood better and better what to do as the book progressed. As for me? The message was slam dunk off the bat, but the illustrations really sealed the deal. (Buy on Bookshop and Amazon)

*Thank you to Smith Publicity for the advance copy. See my disclosure statement for my policy on accepting books for review.

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