38 Lessons for My 38th Birthday (Reader’s Version)

A big birthday list of insight and advice inspired by books I read during my 38th year.

I turned 38 this week. Like New Year’s and other annual milestones, birthdays dependably put me in a contemplative mindset. 

When a pensive program runs in my personal mental processor, everything becomes inspiration. Conversations. Nature. Scientific research papers. Books. Especially books. 

As an avid reader, books augment and metamorphose my thoughts. Books reflect my own preoccupations back to me, but with a clarity and sharpness I can’t reach alone. 

In homage to books and the ways they support insight, I decided to do a variation on last year’s big birthday list of life lessons. Last April, I shared 37 Reminders filled with hard-won life lessons and “notes to self” to support emotional well-being. This year, I’ve put together a list of thoughts and lessons drawn from some of the books I read in the lead-up to turning 38. 

I hope you find something useful (and maybe something new for your TBR pile).

On Turning 38 And The Best Lessons I’ve Learned From Books This Year

1. Your imperfections aren’t deal-breakers, they are actually what makes you loveable (Really). I have way more affection for peculiar main characters than I do for perfect ones. It’s almost like flaws create loveability. What happens when you see your flawed self in the same tender way? (Big Swiss by Jen Beagin and My Year Abroad by Lee Chang-rae)
2. You’ve got to feel your feelings. “You can’t fast-forward through grief or read a CliffsNotes version of your life and expect to make peace with it,” writes Kissinger. (While You Were Out: An Intimate Family Portrait of Mental Illness in an Era of Silence by Meg Kissinger)
3. Uncertainty is an asset. Not knowing can feel unsettling, but owning your doubt can allow you to see situations with fresh eyes, leading to innovation, resilience, and creativity. Don’t rush past doubt. It’s important not to foreclose possibilities prematurely. (Uncertain: The Wisdom and Wonder of Being Unsure by Maggie Jackson*)
4. Connecting with Future You can help you make better decisions right now. Get acquainted with the you you’d like to be – with all the wisdom and well-being you desire – to help you find direction today. When you take steps toward that person, your actions will bridge the gap between these versions of yourself. (Your Future Self: How To Make Tomorrow Better Today by Hal Hershfield)
5. Too much of a good thing applies to virtues as well as vices. Take humility. Everyone knows it’s unpleasant to be around people who have an outsized sense of their own importance. But it’s also possible to be distorted in the other direction: Too small a sense of yourself can be just as inappropriate and dysfunctional. Humility is about taking up exactly the amount of space that you should. (Everyday Holiness: The Jewish Spiritual Path of Mussar by Alan Morinis) 
6. There is nothing more appealing than honesty. When you tell something true, it draws others in. (Easy Beauty: A Memoir by Chloe Cooper Jones)
7. Writing is meditating. “Our task is to say a holy yes to the real things of our life as they exist,” writes Goldberg. (Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within by Natalie Goldberg)
8. Excessive words water down your point. It can be powerful to say exactly what you mean and no more. Restraint isn’t easy, but it’s worth striving for. (The Trouble with Happiness And Other Stories by Tove Ditlevsen)
9. Communicating well is a learnable skill. “‘The best listeners aren’t just listening,’ said Margaret Clark, the Yale psychologist. ‘They’re triggering emotions by asking questions, expressing their own emotions, doing things that prompt the other person to say something real,’” writes Duhigg. (Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection by Charles Duhigg)
10. Self-compassion is a more effective tool for self-improvement than self-criticism. No one performs their best when they’re being berated. On the flip side, compassion creates safety, unlocking new possibilities. (Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind To Yourself by Kristin Neff)
11. Contempt for others is self-destructive. After all, you’re just a human like everyone else. Cultivating hate and judgment will inevitably turn inward. (Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates)
12. Other people’s inner lives are just as rich (and preoccupying) as yours are for you. When you’re incurious about other people’s inner experiences or assume your inner life is fuller than anyone else’s, you miss a lot. (1984 by George Orwell and Julia: A Novel by Sandra Newman)
13. While it is tempting to turn away from those with whom you vehemently disagree, closer examination is critical to understanding our shared reality. As Kelin writes, “Conspiracy theorists get the facts wrong but often get the feelings right.” (Doppelganger: A Trip Into The Mirror World by Naomi Klein)
14. Relationships are not a distraction from our ultimate purpose; they are our most important work. It’s easy to feel like the important stuff is “out there,” in making art or money, but genuine connection is at the heart of what makes us human. (Do You Remember Being Born by Sean Michaels)
15. Other people will make choices for themselves that change your life. Staying in relationship means making peace with your lack of control. (Cassandra at the Wedding by Dorothy Baker)
16. Cherish the love you are given. “We aren’t loved in the ways we choose. We are loved in the ways we are loved,” writes Jamison. (Splinters: Another Kind of Love Story by Leslie Jamison*)
17. Let the people around you evolve (including yourself). “Just when she thought she had a handle on who someone was, on the exact shape and size of their character, on the precise quantity of their goodness and badness, they insisted on changing,” writes Chou. (Disorientation: A Novel by Elaine Hsieh Chou)
18. Loneliness is a signal that you need more human connection than you’re getting. Popularity is so prized that realizing you’re lonely can feel embarrassing, making it seem preferable to not quite notice when it’s happening. But feeling lonely is devastatingly common. And over time, loneliness can harm your health. Identifying that the painful niggling you’re feeling is loneliness is the first step to addressing this painful state.  (Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World by Vivek Murthy)
19. Loyalty will get you far. Hang on to those who hang on to you, and show up for your people. They notice. (Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel)
20. Be careful not to over-invest in any single aspect of your identity. Keeping a balanced life portfolio – where you attend to work, hobbies, parenting, marriage, friendships, and other areas – improves resilience in the face of life’s inevitable ups and downs. (The Good Enough Job: Reclaiming Life From Work by Simone Stolzoff)
21. The past is present. We all live with the ghosts of our personal, familial, and social histories. (We Are A Haunting by Tyriek White)
22. Don’t give yourself away to those who don’t deserve you. New technology is exciting, but be thoughtful about what personal information you give away and whether sharing it is actually for your benefit. Value your privacy. (The Battle for Your Brain: Defending the Right to Think Freely in the Age of Neurotechnology by Nita A. Farahany)
23. It’s not just your imagination – the foods you eat impact your mood. Nutritional psychiatry, a new healthcare specialty, investigates these connections. (This is Your Brain on Food: An Indispensable Guide to the Surprising Foods That Fight Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, OCD, ADHD, and More by Uma Naidoo)
24. Eating food that suits your body provides a stable foundation for your day. The food that fits changes over time. Right now, my food portfolio includes a daily dose of beans. (Cool Beans: The Ultimate Guide To Cooking with the World’s Most Versatile Plant-Based Protein by Joe Yonan)
25. You are the expert in your body. Doctors and other medical professionals are the experts in what the field of medicine currently thinks about how to address any symptoms your body has. The practice of medicine is an evolving field that carries much knowledge and some baggage. Don’t cede your authority. (All in Her Head: The Truth and Lies Early Medicine Taught Us about Women’s Bodies and Why It Matters Today by Elizabeth Comen)
26. Don’t underestimate the physical toll of chronic stress. While systemic stress due to injustice isn’t something individuals can solve, managing and reducing the stressors you’re able to can meaningfully improve your quality of life. (Weathering: The Extraordinary Stress of Ordinary Life in an Unjust Society by Arline T. Geronimus)
27. When the going gets tough, try to do what your ideal, compassionate self would do. It’s alright if it feels like you’re performing a part in a play, you’re still behaving like the person you want to be. (The Mindful Freak-Out: A Rescue Manual for Being at Your Best When Life Is at Its Worst by Eric Goodman)
28. Tell yourself useful stories. “Reality could be created by the stories you believed, and thus it was important to pick the right stories,” writes Hill. (Wellness: A Novel by Nathan Hill)
29. “Just for fun” is a good enough reason. The world is a serious place with grave problems. But being serious all the time isn’t sustainable, and I don’t think it’s why we’re here. Doing things for pleasure and enjoyment – including reading, eating, or watching a show – is part of taking care of yourself. (Romantic Comedy by Curtis Sittenfeld)
30. Life is for experiencing it. “We all die. We have only the choice, if we are privileged, of whether death comes with a whimper or a bang; of what worlds we taste before we go,” writes Zhang. (Land of Milk and Honey: A Novel by C. Pam Zhang)
31. Learn to love subtle pleasures rather than compulsively chasing ever-greater rewards. “With prolonged and repeated exposure to pleasurable stimuli, our capacity to tolerate pain decreases, and our threshold for experiencing pleasure increases,” writes Lembke. (Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence by Anna Lembke)
32. Life is change. It always has been. While the pace of change feels accelerated these days, there is no generation for whom time has stood still. (Haymaker in Heaven: A Novel by Edvard Hoem, translated by Tara Chace)
33. Sometimes we want so badly to be the hero of our story that we bypass the messy reality that we are in. The results can be devastating. (The Best Minds: A Story of Friendship, Madness, and the Tragedy of Good Intentions by Jonathan Rosen)
34. Each life contains many possible lives. Small choices can send your life in totally different directions. Your job is to live out the path you’re on the best you can. Part of growing up is making peace with your path. (Rodham: A Novel by Curtis Sittenfeld)
35. It all counts. “Sometimes you hear people say so-and-so has lived well, and so-and-so has had a dull life. They are missing a key point when they say that. Any experience is experience, any life a life. A day in a cloister can be as dramatic and fatal as a day on a battlefield,” writes Li. (The Book of Goose by Yiyun Li)
36. While we have limited control over the circumstances of our lives, we can make our own meaning. There is honor there. (The Evening Hero: A Novel by Marie Myung-Ok Lee)
37. Plot points (whether in a book or your life) matter less than how it all feels. “Only when I was young did I believe that it was important to remember what happened in every novel I read. Now I know the truth: what matters is what you experience while reading, the states of feeling that the story evokes, the questions that rise to your mind, rather than the fictional events described,” writes Nunez. (The Vulnerables by Sigrid Nunez)
38. Keep going. There are traumas and griefs that feel unbearable, but it’s our human legacy to endure anyway as long as we can. (Disappearing Earth by Julia Phillips)

*I received these books as advance copies. See my disclosure statement for my policy on accepting books for review.

---

---

Thanks for reading. You can make sure you never miss an insight, article, or book recommendation if you sign up for my monthly newsletter. Enter your email now to stay connected.

Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. I get commissions for purchases made from my Bookshop.