What research in psychology says about how we process the past, plus two new articles from me, and three books you’ll want to read.
Takeways
- How we think about past events depends on factors unique to us and the nature of the events themselves. No approach is wrong, per se. The best way just depends on your goals.
- Two new articles are out from me this month. One is all about what RFK Jr. gets wrong about autism. The other covers new developments in the world of bipolar disorder.
- Three books to consider for your reading list include one that explains modern autocracies, a second that lampoons the literary world, and a third that offers OB-GYN-sourced guidance on pregnancy.
Do you ever think about what might have been? Or are you the kind of person who believes what’s done is done and the only thing that makes sense is to get on with things?
On a recent girls’ cabin weekend, we compared notes on how we processed the past. Each of the four of us seemed to take a different tack. When I returned to town, I polled more friends, finding yet more responses.
I learned that some of us think about what might have been, feeling like life branches off into different paths and, in an alternate reality, we would have had a different life. Others I spoke with believe everything happens for the best. That whatever happened had to happen so that we could learn from it and get to where we are today. Still others think nothing is done until it’s done. No life choice is final. And yet others say they just make a choice and move on. It is what it is.
I’m not surprised that different people process things differently. But within the tiny universe of only people in my direct sphere, I was shocked at the differences in our internal landscapes as we reported them. The whole thing got me wondering: Is there any psychological literature about the ways people think about big choices, sliding door moments, or other life-altering occurrences?
When I dug through the research, the diversity of answers among my small sample made immediate sense. Basically, processing the past is a complicated mental exercise. A combination of personal and event-related characteristics seems to lead to lots of different ways of handling the aftermath of big life events.
- Your idiosyncrasies are an important part of the equation. How you think about the past is influenced by aspects of your personality, like how optimistic you are, research suggests. Someone who’s more optimistic might say, “It could have been worse,” while someone who’s more pessimistic might say, “It could have been better.” The Big Five personality traits, like extroversion and agreeableness, seem to influence things, too. Thinking about the past is also impacted by patterns in your thinking and attention. When you have less control over your thoughts, you tend to engage in more “what might have been” considerations, according to one study of 100 women.
- The event matters, too. Research on survivors of the 2011 Oslo bombings suggests that “close calls” seem to make it more likely you’ll imagine how differently things could have turned out. This finding landed with me. The event that most triggers my imagining an alternate reality is the death of my best friend, Suzie, when we were in second grade. The way I remember it, the bone marrow transplant that was supposed to cure her precipitated her death instead. I feel the possibility of her having lived nearly every day.
This research led me to a deeper question: Is one way of thinking about the past the best, psychologically speaking? I should have known the answer would be: It depends. When I interview psychologists for articles, that’s their classic answer to most questions. It turns out that each way of processing the past has its benefits, and what’s optimal depends on the context.
- Thinking things could have gone better helps you do better next time. Upward counterfactuals, when you imagine a life event turning out better than it actually did, can trigger regret. Feeling regret obviously doesn’t feel good exactly, but that’s actually useful when you want to improve and the scenario you’re thinking about is largely under your control and likely to happen again, like taking a test or running a race. Knowing what you can do differently can lead to performance improvements, according to a scientific paper on the topic. Upward counterfactuals can also signal that something’s important to you, helping you uncover values that can guide your next steps.
- Thinking things could have been worse helps you feel better emotionally right now. Downward counterfactuals compare your current reality to a favorable hypothetical; You think, I’m so lucky things turned out the way they did. This feels good. It can be reassuring and help you regulate emotions and access gratitude. Since they also make the present moment look and feel good by comparison, downward counterfactuals help you stay the course, per the same paper above.
- Finding ways to accept and integrate what happened helps you let things go. Research on some of the more intense life events (the ones that can leave you with post-traumatic stress disorder) suggests that when you practice acceptance (like with acceptance and commitment therapy) and face what really happened (like with cognitive processing therapy), you’re able to move forward.
- Even denial can be helpful in small doses when facing what happened is too much or it’s just not the right time. Getting emotionally flooded isn’t good. You shut down and can’t make progress. Denial helps you hold off on facing a difficult or complicated experience or memory until a better time. It’s not a healthy long-term strategy, but denial can be desirable in small doses, according to Harvard Health.
The trick is to use the appropriate mental framework at the appropriate time. When you stay flexible, you can effectively cope with the huge range of experiences that come your way. On the flip side, getting stuck in any one response style can be harmful. For example, an analysis of studies found a link between lots of upward counterfactual thinking and depression.
So I shouldn’t have been so shocked that even in my small, relatively homogeneous sample, people said they thought about the past differently. They were different people, reflecting on different experiences, who were living with different emotional demands in the present moment.
Sometimes, when I realize that people around me think differently than I do, a small, mean voice whispers: “Hey, Em, you’re doing it wrong.” But the truth, as usual, is more reassuring and less binary: There’s no single right way to think about the past. Every approach has a place in a healthy psyche. The key is matching it to what you need right now and where you want to go next.
My Latest Writing & Editing
As someone with an autistic family member, I know something about what’s at stake when Health Secretary Kennedy spreads misinformation about autism through his words and deeds. So it was a particular honor to get an email from an editor I hadn’t worked with before asking me to cover how his claims compare with the scientific evidence for their audience. I’m proud of the result, which came out earlier this month in The Dispatch: What RFK Jr. Gets Wrong About Autism. Writing about about mental health isn’t usually buzzy, so the magnitude of the response has been gratifying. The article was syndicated in AOL, Yahoo!News, and The Charlotte Observer, and featured in a newsletter from the American Psychological Association. My hope is that people who read it will open their minds and hearts to a less extreme, more grounded perspective on autism.
Another piece out new this month is my regular column on the latest developments in the world of bipolar disorder for bpHope. This month was especially interesting, as I got to draw on my knowledge of trauma treatment from my time as a U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs researcher. I also uncovered fascinating research offering cutting edge clues about why one of the oldest, most reliable medications for bipolar disorder might work: Bipolar Research & Insights: Trauma Therapy, Lithium Clues, Med Support, and More | May 2025.
And, if like me, you’re curious about the connection between mental health and diet, you’ll enjoy reading this piece I edited: Omega-3s for Bipolar Disorder: 9 Facts You Need to Know.
Finally, a note for anyone reading who themselves writes or interviews. I completed and recommend a new free training: The Mental Health Reporting Project, offered by The Poynter Institute and developed in partnership with The Carter Center (which, by the way, also has another great gratis resource called The Carter Center Journalism Resource Guide on Mental Health Reporting).
Book Recommendations
Surviving Autocracy, by Masha Gessen
Masha Gessen’s reputation precedes them. Once you know the name, you’ll start hearing it everywhere as an example of an excellent, imposing reporter and moral authority, especially on LGBT rights and Russia-related issues. They’ve published nearly a dozen books, including a National Book Award-winner (The Future Is History). But for me, Surviving Autocracy is the first book of Gessen’s I’ve read.
When I read a book that spins out of a viral essay, like this one (which is based on their article in The New York Review), I usually think, “Yup, there’s one good essay-length nugget in there. I could have done without the other 300 pages.” But this book is the exception that proves the rule. It’s crammed with incisive observations from cover to cover. And for a book about Trump that was published in 2020, which is light-years ago in our collective political reality, it feels eerily of-the-moment and not at all dated. I suspect this has something to do with how careful Gessen’s writing and reporting are. I’m of the belief that, when you stick close to the truth, your writing tends to age well.
Recommended for those trying to understand our political moment and admirers of journalism.
The 2001 novel Erasure tells the story of an academic named Thelonious “Monk” Ellison who is sick of people telling him he and his books aren’t “Black enough.” When enough goes wrong in his personal life, Monk decides to give the people what they want. And what happens next horrifies him.
Everett is a literary genius, and it’s a pleasure to read his work, which you can engage with at every level (I can say from personal experience, this is a great one for book clubs!). Everett may sound familiar because he’s written dozens of books, including James, which I recommended back in March, and just won a Pulitzer Prize. You may also know Erasure already because it was adapted into the movie American Fiction, which won the Academy Award for Best Adapted Screenplay.
Recommended for fans of literature, parody, commentary on race and class, critiques of the publishing industry, and more.
Then Comes Baby: An Honest Conversation About Birth, Postpartum, and the Complex Transition to Parenthood, by Jessica Vernon, MD
Then Comes Baby is written by Dr. Jessica Vernon, who is a board-certified OB/GYN. It’s a book about birth and postpartum, so perhaps someone with her credentials writing a book on this topic seems like a natural fit. But it’s actually revelatory—at least in my reading experience.
When I was undergoing my matrescence (my kids were born in 2015, 2017, and 2021), I read tons of books to prepare —books by midwives, doulas, and (eh-hem) a certain economist.
I wish I’d read one like this instead. This is the book where your big sister, MD, tells you everything you need to know in clear, non-judgmental terms. She tells you, truthfully, there’s no one right way to give birth. She explains, straight up, that things won’t go as planned. And that’s ok. Or can be ok in time.
As a mental health writer, I particularly appreciated the section on perinatal mental health disorders, which contains Dr. Vernon’s own candid description of her challenges in that domain.
I recommend this for parents-to-be seeking judgement-free health information to prepare for birth and everything that comes after.
Thanks to Rowman & Littlefield Publishers and Pacific & Court for the advance copy.
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