On being a stable base when everything feels uncertain.
One of the first things I learned from developmental psychology — and one of the last I think I’ll forget — is that humans need a stable base. Babies need someone to hold them. Big kids need someone to answer their questions. We all need someone to come home to.
I swore to myself then that I would always be a stable base for my someday-kids. Over two decades later, I’m a mother to three — they’re 10, 8, and 4 years old — and keeping my promise is harder sometimes than others. When I don’t sleep well. When my regular sources of support are drained or absent. When I feel afraid.
Everyone I know in the Twin Cities feels afraid right now: 2 days since federal agents killed Alex Pretti, 19 days after they did the same to Renee Good, and 56 days since Operation Metro Surge began.
It’s not an accident we feel this way. The federal agents are here in Minnesota for immigration enforcement and also to terrorize.
I oppose their politics. I’m clear with my kids that our family believes in a world where everybody belongs. But — and I hate to admit this — I worry that I’ve unwittingly been their agent.
Fear is contagious, and I’ve let mine spread. I place our newspapers face down so our kids don’t see what’s on the front page. I measure my words in our conversations. But I haven’t always checked for little ears before my husband and I talk about what just happened and what we need to do. I haven’t been deliberately malicious, but at times, in my fear, I’ve been heedless. And I think I’m probably not the only one.
We should refuse to pick up their mantle any longer.
In opposing Operation Metro Surge, we should reject all of it. When we refuse to let fear hijack our speech and conduct, we sabotage their mission.
Instead, we can use emotions for what they’re best at: Providing information. Fear contains data that we can use to keep ourselves and our communities safe. But it’s not suited to be an operating manual. There are much higher ideals.
Values — like respect, compassion, and truth — are wiser guides. Respect helps us know how to give voice to our political views. Compassion helps us know how to treat others and what treatment to demand for them. Truth helps us avoid spreading or accepting misinformation.
The idea to use values like this isn’t mine, and it isn’t new. The tenth-century Rabbis who developed Mussar taught that living out virtues to meet each situation’s demands helps us be our best selves in any circumstance. A thousand years later, in the 1980s, the clinical psychologist Steven C. Hayes, PhD, gave related thinking a scientific spin by developing Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, which advocates using personal values to direct our responses to difficult emotions. Other people have been here before, facing their own terrors, and found that higher ideals can guide us through.
I feel afraid. I feel angry. I feel sad. But when I think about what I want to be, it’s not an agent of any of those things. I want to be a representative of respect. I want to be an emissary of compassion. I want to be truth’s surrogate. I want to be a stable base for my children and my community. Join me.
Resources for Talking to Kids About Current Events
My mom called me today to ask what I was telling my kids. My aunt had asked her. It’s a theme in my group chats and IRL conversations, too. Right now, I think a lot of people want to know what to say to the young people in their lives.
So instead of sharing my own unrelated published articles or book recommendations this month, I decided to share resources for talking to kids about current events. But first, I want to invite you to consider five big-picture tips (If you’re an acronym person like me, think ALLSS, as in: Keep all the important stuff in mind).
- Ask. Don’t start with what you know, ask what they know. “What have you seen?,” “What have you heard?,” and “What are you wondering?” are all good questions. Besides being a good way in to the conversation, I find that asking also reminds me who this conversation is really for.
- Listen. Say less. This is hard for me. I want to explain and share information. But kids need us to really hear them before anything else.
- Limit. Before you speak — or scroll or turn on that TV where they can see — consider what your child actually needs to know. It’s almost certainly less than or different from what you need.
- Share. Only after these other steps is it time to share any information they need to know. Even big kids benefit from thoughtful sharing. Like you would with a friend going through a hard time, consider what’s helpful and important right now. Let the rest go.
- Support. Emphasize how people in the community are supporting each other in this time. What’s giving you hope? And support your kid, too. You know what kinds work best for them. Maybe it’s time for more chats, snuggles, read-alouds, LEGOS, or puzzles. Maybe it’s something else. This is where years of knowing your specific child really pay off.
Remember, don’t expect a one-time conversation. Not only do these events evolve, but one big talk is…a lot. Smaller talks and more of them work best. This also means there’s no failing. There’s just trying again.
These are my top-level thoughts. Here are other resources (including a free e-book I developed during the initial COVID-19 pandemic):
Talking to Kids About Immigration Enforcement in Their Communities | Children’s Hospital Los Angeles
How To Talk To Your Little Kids About Hard Things | Me
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