Use what you don’t like to kid-proof your mindfulness practice.
Sitting quietly on a cushion may be an ideal way to meditate, but have you ever had little kids? I have three. For me, that kind of don’t-interrupt-me time is untenable unless another caregiver is on hand. So, what’s an earnest mindfulness practitioner to do? This summer, I’m using an in-the-moment hack to kid-proof my mindfulness practice.
Use What You Don’t Like
When my three-year-old encounters something unpleasant – a missing TV remote, a “no” to eating a fourth marshmallow – he says, “That cannot happen! I don’t like it!”
My son’s turn-of-phrase may be toddler-y, but his attitude is ageless. When I pay attention, I absolutely catch myself responding to an undesired reality with denial and dislike. The magnitude is immaterial. I’ve caught myself in these mental loops with situations as small as rain on my run or as big as health crises.
I’m far from the first to notice this common mental quirk. In Buddhism, two of the “three poisons” (unhelpful mental states) are delusion and aversion (the last is greed). It’s remarkable that, whatever happens, my response often neatly slots into one of three categories: “This is not happening,” “I don’t want this,” and “I want more.”
These patterns are so pervasive that they present an interesting opportunity for those of us who want more mindfulness in our lives but just can’t make a formal sitting meditation practice fit right now (ahem, me). When we notice ourselves saying “no” to what’s happening, it can be a cue to pay attention, like a bell calling us to the present moment.
Enlightenment At The Airport
For instance, last month, when we flew to visit family in Vermont, we checked a car seat. Getting there was no problem. But coming home, the baggage carousel went around and around with no big ole yellow car seat bag in sight. As the minutes ticked away, it seemed fair to consider the luggage lost.
I did not like that.
I did not want it to be happening.
Luckily, the whole trip, I’d been using any hint of “No thanks, reality” thoughts to call me closer to the present moment, so it was nearly seamless to do it while I stood in the airport with my husband, our three kids, and our huge pile of five carryons, five personal items, one inflatable paddle board, and no car seat. And you know something? It really helped turn the temperature down on a stressful moment.
What did that mindfulness practice look like in real life?
Well, first, I noticed the thought: This can’t be happening (Hello, interior toddler!). I paid attention. I wondered: What, exactly, did I not like? I was tired, sure. My youngest had woken up crying each hour the night before, and then we all had to stop trying to sleep extra early to make our flight. I was exhausted. I wanted our car seat, to get in the cab, and come home. I didn’t like this.
Ding.
What was happening right then? I felt a little woozy and loopy, but (truthfully) not actually terrible. I swayed a little and pressed my feet to the floor. Then, right there at baggage claim, I had a flash of a tai chi class I’d taken and loved in the winter. A class I’d wished at the time I could do more of.
Was I finding Zen in the airport?
The peace zipped away when I compulsively checked the AirTag info on my phone and discovered I hadn’t reattached the designated tracker to the car seat. I wanted to bash my head into Mt. Baggage. I didn’t like this.
Ding.
What was really going on? My limbs felt heavy. No one said I had to stand next to our luggage mountain. An open seat was right there. Sitting felt like a relief. Not so bad, really.
Then, like a bolt of lightning, I wanted to leave. Who was I kidding? I didn’t like this.
Ding.
Why did I want to leave? What did I want to do instead? To unpack, of course, but also to have quality time with my family. But being with my kids could also happen while we waited. And, in fact, while we waited, I could teach them about how to deal with the unexpected with grace, and (perhaps unsurprisingly for a mental health and parenting writer) I genuinely like teaching my kids things like that. So did I really need this to not be happening?
To Meditate During Hectic Days, Get Curious Off The Cushion
Well, to be honest, while need is a strong word, after all that, I still didn’t want this to be happening. What I wanted was our luggage (which, spoiler, we did eventually track down). That “not wanting” thought came up again and again.
But that’s the power of this meditation practice hack.
Because when I reacted to my thoughts with curiosity instead of belief, things opened up for me. Mindfulness took the edge off. I could see there was more going on than just my dislike.
I didn’t need to be alone. I didn’t need an au pair. I didn’t need to arrange anything at all. I simply had to notice all the times I didn’t like what was happening and – bam! – I was meditating. Even if I still didn’t like my reality, I could at least be engaging with it in a way I could feel good about.
Lots of people with more meditation experience than me know the value of being flexible when it comes to a mindfulness practice, especially when circumstances – like parenting – make a more formal practice difficult. Meditation teacher Kamala Masters of Vipassana Metta Foundation on Maui frequently shares the story of how she integrated meditation into everyday life when her kids were young by mindfully washing the dishes. During the Q&A after a recent talk at Common Ground Meditation Center in Minneapolis, meditation teacher Tuere Sala of Seattle Insight Meditation Society suggested that a practitioner use what irritates them to inspire their meditation.
More Mindfulness When You Need It Most
There are certain seasons of life where you could use the benefits of a mindfulness practice, but you just can’t make the alone time work. The good news is you can totally meditate without meditating. Just use what you don’t like. To paraphrase my preschooler, I think you’ll find it’s a mode of meditation that can totally happen, even on busy parenting days.
You might even like it.
My Latest Writing
Emily’s work on our mental health publication, both as a writer and editor, has made a tremendous impact. With a blend of intelligence and compassion, she’s one of those rare talents who masterfully distills complex peer-reviewed research into insightful content that speaks to people.
Tanya Hvilivitzky, Senior Editor, bpHope
I’m offering freelance editing services again!
Over a decade ago, while pursuing my master’s degree in counseling psychology, I was working at the University of St. Thomas’s Graduate Writing Center, and it was going well. So well that scholars wanted more editing hours than I could technically give them through the center. That’s when, with my boss’s blessing, I first hung up my shingle as a freelance editor. After a handful of years, I paused to prioritize producing my own writing.
But then opportunity came knocking again this spring, when an editor I’d written for wondered if I could also help out with some editing assignments. It was an easy yes.
I’ve loved returning to the craft of copy editing these past few months. Plus, I find that working as both an editor and writer bring out the best in each other, kinda like two of my summer faves, grape tomatoes and pesto.
Book Recommendations
Open Water, by Caleb Azumah Nelson
What a book! I’ll admit, at first the writing style struck me as oddly vague. Why was the unnamed protagonist writing about the world as if he was one step removed from it all, even when he’s having an epic love affair? Why indeed! As the novel unfolds, it becomes clear this style serve the plot and purpose of the book in masterful ways. I finished in awe of this work and will be thinking of it for a long time.
Absolutely recommend for anyone interested in the ways we cope with the modern world, gender, intersectional identities, social justice, love, racism, coming of age, art, Black joy, and contemporary London.
And, yes, that that mean this is another British bombshell of a book recommended by the booksellers at Daunte Books.
My Bookshop | Amazon | Daunte Books
Raising a Socially Successful Child: Teaching Kids the Nonverbal Language They Need to Communicate, Connect, and Thrive, by Stephen Nowicki
Plenty of books promise to make you a better parent. Having read a lot of them, I can tell you that unusual is the book that actually provides actionable tips with context persuasive enough you’ll want to use them. Raising A Socially Successful Child is in that rarefied group.
While many self-help authors start strong and then end up speaking outside their expertise, Dr. Nowicki (an emeritus psychology professor at Emory) sticks to what he’s qualified to speak on: The role of nonverbal skills in supporting relationships. It’s a timely topic, given the way that social media culture and pandemic-necessitated online everything stymied this type of social skill development for a generation.
The book is orderly yet warm. You know where it’s headed, and the format is typical. You’ll find background info of the scientific variety, followed by a deeper look into the meat of the matter: The six types of nonverbal communication (including relevant research and how-to advice for younger and older children).
I thought this was engagingly written, nimbly side-stepping the rote, eye-glazingly dull rehashing of the research that can sometimes be a pitfall of this genre. The anecdotes sprinkled throughout conveyed a sweet appreciation for children that I found unexpectedly touching.
I’ve already started implementing the tips on my three kids, whose ages range from preschooler to tween (one of whom is neurodiverse), and I can see the interventions nudging them all toward more successful social interactions in time.
*Thank you to Little Brown and Company for the review copy. See my disclosure statement for my policy on accepting books for review.
The Movement Therapy Deck: 52 Mindful Movement Exercises to Regulate Your Nervous System and Process Trauma, by Erica Hornthal
Created by a licensed therapist who is board-certified in dance/movement, this deck is intended for trauma survivors, plus professionals (such as therapists and teachers) who want to support others in nervous system regulation.
Each of the 52 cards offers a quick movement practice (with titles like “shake it out” “butterfly wings,” and “balloon breath”). The cards are color-coded into categories, which are described in the accompanying booklet but not labeled on the cards themselves (at least in the review copy I got).
As you’d expect, given the author’s credentials, the exercises are high-quality and in-line with what a professional mental health provider would tell you to try if you were feeling dysregulated. As a person who always asks “Why?,” what I liked best is that each card includes a short explanation. A deeper understanding makes a huge difference in whether I’ll say, “That’s nice,” and scroll on by or I’ll actually given an intervention a shot.
Recommended for parents, teachers, therapists, and plain old people who want a truly functional, approachable, on-the-go mental health tool for managing stress and trauma.
*Thank you to Ripple Public Relations for the review copy. See my disclosure statement for my policy on accepting books for review.
Browse more books on my Bookshop | Read more reviews on my Goodreads
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Thanks Emily, this is great. I’ve heard before that it’s good to be more mindful, but it wasn’t very clear how to do that. Your very specific descriptions of what you were thinking and how you changed that are helpful.
I’m so glad those details landed with you, Mark! I felt the same way the first time someone actually explained to me what a blow-by-blow meditation was like for them. I’ve found mindfulness can feel impractically vague without something solid to stand on.